“I say to myself, ‘the Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’ The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.
For no one is cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone.”
-Lamentations 3:25-27, 31-33
As you can tell from the title and verse I’ve posted, lately I have been learning about waiting for the Lord and being patient when things don’t go as smoothly or quickly as planned. Since I’ve been home from the hospital, life has been a whirlwind of ups and downs, numerous doctors appointments, follow-up CT scans, medication changes, and, of course, lots and lots of bloodwork. My case is apparently a very complicated one, as they have been having to deal with the abscess/infection before treating the inflammation caused by the Crohn’s. The catch is that the inflammation is driving the infection, making it harder to heal. As a result, my GI had wanted me to start the Crohn’s medications, one of which is done by infusion at a special infusion centre, the last week of February and coincide it with two more weeks of antibiotics since my last CT scan still showed a small pocket of fluid in my pelvic area. Of course, as is bound to happen when there are so many different people to coordinate with about my case, a mix up happened with getting the paperwork through and my medication is only going to be arriving to the infusion centre this week. This means I will only be getting my first infusion on Thursday. A week late. Now this might not seem like such a big deal, but when your bloodwork shows that your inflammation markers are creeping up again to some not so good numbers and your body is starting to feel that, you start to get a little frustrated when things don’t go as planned, especially when you were hoping to be back at work and getting on with life again.
These are the emotions I have been struggling with over the past few weeks. The constant battle between trying to trust God and lacking faith when things seem to be going sideways. Then I read this in my devotional:
“Keep your eyes on me! I am with you, taking care of you in the best possible way. When you are suffering, my care may seem imperfect and inadequate. You seek relief, and I make you wait… there are many different ways to wait, and some are better than others. Beneficial waiting involves looking to me continually- trusting and loving me.
Thank me for this time of neediness, when you must depend on me more than usual. Do not waste this opportunity by wishing it away. Trust that I know what I’m doing- that I can bring good out of everything you encounter, everything you endure. Don’t let your past or present suffering contaminate your view of the future. I am the Lord of your future, and I have good things in store for you. I alone know the things I am planning for you- to give you a future and a hope.”
-Jesus Today Devotional
This devotional as well as the verse I shared earlier (also part of the devotional) reminded me of the unique opportunity I have been given during this time of being sick. I get to learn to depend and wait on God; to get closer to him and learn new things about his character. In a world where independence is seen as strength, there is a lot of pressure to think we have to do everything all on our own and keep up a certain image. This is a lie that Satan wants us to believe. He wants us to look at all the chaos in the world and blame God for not stepping in rather than inviting God into the mess with us and admitting that we can’t navigate it without him. Is everyday a battle? Yes. Do I have to keep surrendering? Yes. But God knows I’m human and that doubt is part of our humanness. As long as I keep coming back to him, he promises to be faithful. This is why I choose to continually make myself vulnerable and humble myself before him. Prayers for my infusion appointment on Thursday would be much appreciated and I will continue to keep you guys updated on how that goes. My GI is also pushing to get a MRI booked for two weeks after my first infusion to see if the abscess pocket has shrunk completely. Another thing to give up to God. To conclude, here is a picture of the lovely flowers I received while in the hospital that I forgot to share in my last post.